Down. But Not Out…

29695020_222825435129538_3206200624131604480_oAnd essentially I find I am alone. It’s a difficult thing, depression, and something that has been with me for a good part of my life. I don’t talk about it much, or write about it, because it’s just there. Sometimes it’s not.

My mother understands the concept of depression, but doesn’t quite “get” it. She knows I had awful night terrors as a child but cannot relate to the vague, underlying sadness I have that simply will not go away, despite being told:

For God’s sake cheer up Samantha!”

My partner knows I have depression, but doesn’t quite understand its shifting nature, how I can be fine one day and then “down” the next and I really just want to be left alone until the spasm passes.

My older son, to be honest, is a source of sadness and pain, but his is not a story to be told here. Suffice it to say, I feel he’s lost his way and is taking help from all the wrong quarters.

Alex is doing very well – his school years were not kind to him and although he coped well at college and achieved his goals, university has really become his element. I am so pleased for him – how could I not be – he’s made it.

I don’t feel like it’s “empty nest” syndrome, not at all, not with four cats and everything else. Just that this is where I begin again. With me. Just me.

And set my paper boat afloat again on the River of Life.

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30 thoughts on “Down. But Not Out…

  1. Samantha, you have been there for me and I am here for you on the virtual platform. You are strong and will overcome. You have already identified the source of where the sadness and troubles come from. Please “close” this i.e. do not let it affect you. I too have siblings who affect me but I have learnt over time, that only I let them affect me. It is the caring that makes it hard and I understand. Much more for you as you are a mother. But Please try and let it go. Much easier said than done but baby steps till you can be immune to it. Depression is a nasty word and a terrible state to be in. But as you have said, you have Alex and the cats plus a partner that support you. Stay happy and have a great morning! Sending you lots of virtual tea, biscuits and Garfield Hugs! You have the love and care of those who know you through your blog site and guess what, you are not alone. Take care and sorry for being wordy here! 😉

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    1. I have been working backwards and catching up as usual…your comment! Thank you so very much for your kindness, love and friendship, you don’t realise what it means or just how much I appreciate it! 😺💕💕💕😺💕💕💕🍵🍵🍪🍪

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  2. Dear Samantha, please be strong and don’t let anything to make you like that… I lived, live, and will live some problems in my life too and every time depression found me. This is not good of course, but we have to be strong… One day I am under zero point, one day I am up! Just make yourself happy with what you want…Sending my love and positive energy, Thanks, Love, nia

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  3. agh – sorry sent too soon!
    What helped me was reading that there may always be that underlying sadness and bad days too. But that it was all right. Just accepting that it is so, sort of gives you permission to feel sad sometimes. We can’t always be laughing, but when we do, we will enjoy it all the more.

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  4. I’ve learned to make depression my friend. He lives in my particular 100 Acre Wood, my very own Eeyore. It took me nearly 50 years to come to peace with him and just let him be. I’ve learned that he has valuable insights and thoughts, if I am willing to be patient with his visits. He tempers my Tigger-like manic side and lets me experience and appreciate the wisdom of my inner Winnie the Pooh.
    We all have family and friends who don’t “get it”. Even the ones that do, fellow “endurers” of depression like me, sometimes don’t fathom our compatriot’s experiences. Heck, sometimes I don’t even get it (and I’m in it!!)
    Thank you, as always for your lovely way with words and beautiful honesty.
    xoxo ~ Victoria

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    1. Brilliant way of putting it it, very apt and descriptive, and yes, I think you’re right. Depression doesn’t necessarily have to define us, it is after all a part of us but not the whole. It is an added facet to our humanity… and although I feel it makes me difficult to live with at times, I continue to exist with it, and as you say, there is insight and knowledge to be gained even in our darkest moments.

      Lots of love to you xxx

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  5. You are not alone, never! They definitely don’t get it, how can they? It’s so complex. But we do. I KNOW how you feel. I’ve been there. Those “cheer up” comments feel like a slap on the face. How can they think you have any control over it? It’s just so offensive and heartbreaking. I wish they could be in our head so they would know what it’s like going through life with a huge cloud over your head, a backpack full of rocks and no one there to actually lend you a hand. I’m here if you need to talk, I’m serious. ❤️

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    1. Bless you and thank you for you kind words and thoughts, they are very much appreciated. I do think awareness and attitudes are changing as we become more aware and it is good to know that there is such a wonderful support network out there. Thank you xxx

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  6. Aww bless you Samantha. I know that you’ve mentioned troubles with your older son before, it’s so difficult when there are family problems. I get very upset when my hubby and my younger daughter fight. I tend to get on with everyone so I can’t understand it when they argue. I’m so sorry to hear you suffer from depression. I sometimes get fleeting problems with depression so I do understand how difficult it must be to suffer with it on a deeper level. I tend to have problems with anxiety which I have been troubled with for many years. Fortunately, I cope with it much better now than I did when I was younger, though I am a bit worried that it might re-surface with the hormonal changes that I feel advancing at a frightening rate!

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  7. I will be praying for you Samantha. Depression is a hard thing and I am sorry you have to deal with it in your life. I pray those around you are supportive and patient even if they don’t quite “get it”. Praying the joy returns.

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  8. Granny knows how you feel, Samantha. She thought she had overcome it…and she did, but when her menopause set in it all came back…Sometimes it’s driving her crazy, but acceptance is the only way to get through it. It is like it is, no more fighting against it. Grandpaw also doesn’t understand how you can be happy one day/minute and deeply sad the other day/inute…well, Granny doesn’t understand it either…MOL 😀 It’s good to have furriends who understand how you feel, because they suffer from the same. I think talking about it relieves 🙂 Soft Pawkisses for the occassion and hope you feel better soon ❤ ❤ ❤

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  9. Dear Samantha, as you well know, we feel depressed not because of some external factors, but due to chemical imbalance. External factors are only triggers. I am truly sorry that you have this malady, and I know that most people, even the closest and the most caring, do not understand its nature. I am sending you best wishes and many blessings: hang in there, listen to music, take long walks, eat cantaloupes and blueberries, and avoid gluten and sugar. Love and support!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am so glad – so happy to be helpful! Raspberries are also effective, even more than blueberries that are touted as a remedy for everything. Also, naturally fermented vegetables and drinks, and green leafy vegetables of any kind. Hang in there, Samantha! You are loved!

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  10. I empathize with you. I am bipolar, and the depression is definitely the worst. Some days I think that those “just get over it” people need to experience it just once to see that we can’t “just get over it”.(Like we’re choosing to be living in a black cloud.) Siberian winter root may help (it helps me).
    I am very happy to hear that Alex is doing well at university. Best wishes to both of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for your kind words, much appreciated. I shall have a look for Siberian Winter root – I am always looking for something that will bring the balance without the zombie-like feelings…

      Yes… sometimes a little taster to people who say “Cheer Up” would be interesting to see… at least awareness about mental health issue is being raised all the time though. 🙂 xx

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