1. Quietly ascertain the exact location of each cat (two younger ones on bed, small black cat lying on laptop, tabby asleep on chair.)
2. Stealthily open shed and collect trowel, seeds and clematis that really needs planting out.
3. Turn to shut shed door and jump in fright, dropping compost, as four pairs of eyes watch you… accusingly.
4. Sigh in resignation and walk to spot in garden where you intended planting clematis, first removing small black cat from shed and seeds from Siamese.
5. Observed by cats, dig hole for lovely new clematis plant.
6. Turn away to retrieve plant then shriek in horror as you see small tabby princess squatting elegantly over hole, preparing to… um… christen it.
7. Wait until tabby has finished and fetch watering can to rinse hole out, only to find Siamese using new, conveniently dug hole, while the two black cats look on, politely waiting their turn.
8. Comfort clematis – it is visibly shuddering in horror.
9. Find nice clean ceramic plant pot.
10. Abandon idea of planting clematis directly in garden, instead filling previously-mentioned pot with compost, placing clematis carefully within, watering and removing to an ideal location on the patio.