Pounding the Pavements to Procure Pornography


I NEED PORNOGRAPHY FOR MY SON!” I roared at the hapless sales assistant. He blushed and appeared confused at the sight of this 40-something year old woman, otherwise appearing perfectly respectable, if a little wild about the eyes and hair, screaming about obscene publications in his nice quiet bookshop.

There’s a story behind this… let me explain. My son is currently doing a Production Arts Level 3 Foundation Course at college, where they study various play scripts, discuss them, not only the content, but all aspects, like stage directions, and how they would produce their own performance, as well as involving themselves in the technical requirements, and then at the end of term perform a chosen play.

I have no argument with this syllabus – indeed it seems ideally tailored to suit budding actors, directors, lighting technicians and so on. My issue is with the reading list. And the county and city libraries. And, as a matter of fact, with all the book shops in the city where we live. Oh yes, and whoever chose the reading list (required of course) and the end of term performance script (unobtainable of course.)

wp_20160929_17_57_53_pro“Are you hiding?”

This term, I personally believe that the college have set out to inflict – no, not the students – the parents or other purchasers of the necessary texts with the most obscure, out-of-print, unperformed plays. My son received his reading list on the Induction Day, and then it was the weekend, so I (foolishly) assumed that we would be able to pick up the books on the Saturday. How wrong I was.

The list started fairly innocuously, with texts by playwrights like Harold Pinter, Samuel Beckett… “Oh, no problem, we should be able to pick these up, but I don’t want to be in town all day…”

Six hours later, I am reduced to a sweating, hairy wreck, screaming at sales assistants while my son is standing in a corner, perusing the Classic Literature and pretending he doesn’t know me… I should have anticipated the problem really when I noticed that the end of term performance was ‘Pornography’ Simon Stephens.

I have a bit of mental stumbling block when it comes words that have any vaguely obscene connotations – there is a stop on my bus route involving the word ‘Bottom’… always raises a giggle… childish, I know.

Ultimately, what transpired was that no shop, charity, book, or specialist had a copy of the relevant text. Having been in town approximately five hours longer than I wanted, and having walked probably miles further than I intended, I can hardly be blamed (or excused) for indulging in a bit of a raging hissy fit against my son’s college, the chosen syllabus, reading lists, books, printing presses and Johannes Gutenberg, the inventor of the printing press. My son at this point, hastily interjected:

wp_20160929_17_56_00_pro“Oh, can’t see it anywhere…”

Let’s go and see Lizian!” (my son’s lovely crystal lady and her partner.)

We duly arrived at the shop, and at once an aura of peace, calm and serenity descended… My son explained our problem briefly while I simmered and spat in the corner, muttering dire imprecations about authors, titles…

Liz laughed gently while Ian smiled sympathetically:

Oh, we can put a call out on Facebook, see if anyone has a copy…”

The Universe was gracious to me for the first time that day, as in due course my son’s old drama teacher presented him with a copy of ‘Pornography’. Ian said to me:

You know, Samantha, I shall expect to see a post about this…”

Here you are ~ and thank you for the title!

wp_20160929_18_00_44_pro“THERE you are!”

33 thoughts on “Pounding the Pavements to Procure Pornography

  1. You can check libraries if you don’t want to buy every book on the list and good old Amazon of course for second hand copies – that would have made for an uneventful post though and this is so much more fun to read!😅😅 Much love to you all 💜xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I giggled through most of this…methinks it is a Brit thing. I had a beautiful picture of you in the bookshop 🙂


    I can’t even type that word without smirking. Disgusting at my age. I blame it on living with a man who, despite a special birthday coming up, knows the theme tune and words to Spongebob Squarepants and inflicts it on the rest of us regularly. He was also the one who told me ‘bush’ is the funniest word in the English language.

    It’s all done in the best POSSIBLE taste! *crosses legs* 😅

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha! ” Bush!” Lol…that one never even crossed my mind! I have problems with nature programmes…and blue tits! *snorts*
      However, I also know all the Spongebob Squarepants song…altogether now:
      “Wh-oo-oo lives in a pineapple under the sea…?”

      Liked by 1 person

  3. No bookshop can call itself respectable if they don’t have ‘Pornography’!
    Thank you for making me laugh out loud (on an otherwise stressful day) 🙂 Love the post 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lol! Good story! And, at the risk of being a bit Pollyanna about it, imagine how much worse if it was the other way around, you were the student and your son was demanding porn for his mother…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Aw, no, you love him dearly so it wouldn’t be fair. Unless you just fancied a joke, in which case invent the course yourself, knock up some official looking headed paper, draw up a fictional horror of embarrassments as the reading list, plus maybe a set of equipment or tools as well… Just saying….

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ha ha! Funny though…although I like the way your mind works…it’s all in the name..( could be a post there actually ) like how the binmen in our area are now somewhat euphemistically called “waste disposal technicians”…lol!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. And now you’ve won back the prize Samantha – as I have tears rolling down my cheeks and my hubby is looking at me very strangely now I’ve told him it’s a ‘pornographic’ tale! x

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s