This. Has. To. Stop. Right now. Or I’m leaving. It’s not even September.
The other day, I was sorting through my wardrobe and I found a blouse I’d forgotten I had. I thought I would try it on. I removed my glasses, took my shirt off and exchanged it for the other one. I didn’t put my glasses back on.
I went to look in the bathroom mirror, to straighten the collar. I saw something on my shoulder – couldn’t quite make out what it was. I returned to the bedroom to put my glasses on and had another look. The dark blur resolved itself into something unmentionable. There, upon my shoulder, beaming happily at me, was the largest spider outside of nature programmes I have ever seen. The breath died in my throat. The spider raised a foreleg in friendly greeting. The spell of horror was broken as I ripped – yes, ripped – all – yes, all – my clothes off and run screaming through the house. The cats watched:
“What’s up with her then?”
“Oh, I reckon she might have found a little something I left for her…” This, from Lily, who has a somewhat warped sense of humour. (Dead mice on the bedside table, half a mouse in the kitchen sink, that sort of thing.)
Some pieces of Smoky Quartz, excellent for protection and deflecting negativity…
Having reached the safety of the kitchen, it was daytime, so of course all the blinds were open – sorry neighbours – I thought to myself, it would be safe enough to go back and check… I edged carefully up the stairs and peered cautiously around the corner into the bedroom. It had gone. (Well, really, what did I expect? The spider parading up and down in front of the mirror: “Hmm, I could do with a smaller size, but the colour’s not too bad…”)
I lifted the blouse up. No spider. I put my jeans back on. No spider. I haven’t found it yet. So, it’s still in the house, somewhere, with me… It’s a large one. Large enough for me to harness it to a shopping trolley and go racing off to town like some modern day Roman charioteer…
Oh, excuse me, I see it now, galloping past the kitchen doorway, one of my bras clutched in its jaws…
All photos were taken by my son!
One of the reasons I have always rather admired James Bond is the forceful way in which he despatched that larger spider in the first Bond movie, Dr No. Spiders- me no like!
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That is precisely why I’ve never seen “Dr.No”…I had to leave the room when a re-run of “Arachnophobia” was on and I embarrassed my son in a bookshop when I picked up a book on phobias. Of course, there was a spider pictured on the cover, I screamed and threw the book…we left the shop rapidly and haven’t been back since!!
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Did you really have to mention Arachnophobia? And I was liking your blog so much . .
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Sorry…but spiders seem to crop up with eerie regularity in my house, the old “let’s hide in a teacup” being a particular favourite that never grows stale…
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I hate spiders and always call my cats for help … loved the post!
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I hope your cats at least help you…and don’t just sit and laugh like mine…Pleased you enjoyed, thank you for reading and your kind comment!
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If they do spot them they are excellent hunters and they not only kill but also appreciate the protein snack and clean up. The spotting is the problem, but holding a cat in front of me facing the spider until it moves and becomes a target, is better than throwing a book … (yeah I’m nuts lol)
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It’s all right, you’re not alone…I, too, used to use my cats as pest shields, till the spiders got too big and the cats claimed I didn’t pay them enough…lol!
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Stupid minimum wage!
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OMG😨spiders aaargh!! Scary creepy crawlies!! You are brave!!
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I don’t like to kill them but I wish they’d leave me alone!! (Seriously considering moving house when it comes to September…)
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Try putting out some nutmeg leaves. The aroma may deter them. Hmm but nutmeg leaves may be costly in your country. Or get your pets to swoosh them with their paws 😉
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I’ll try that, I’ve not heard that one. Conkers are supposed to do the same thing, but they don’t work- I’ve tried them! Also the cats and spiders sometimes collaborate to play nasty jokes…
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That totally would have been me too! I’m so terrified of spiders!
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I’ve often wondered if spiders would be less frightening if they were pink and fluffy…but I decided it wouldn’t make any difference!
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Mice – dead, alive or in any number of pieces – I can handle. Spiders – no. Not ever. *squeee!!!!*
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Lol! Yes I can manage any permutation of mouse…but spiders..bleh!! And I am a little suspicious because there has been a distinct lack of spiders recently. Where are they? What are they doing..?
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They had better not be on their way to my house, I tell you!
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*breathing silent sigh of relief..*
Oh dear! That would be dreadful…!!! 😸😸
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