I have decided to stop smoking. No, no, don’t try and stop me (…please… someone stop me…) but I have decided I can no longer justify the amount of money I spend on my twenty a day habit.
I started smoking when I was thirteen, one of the benefits of an all girls’ school – I also learned how to drink with relish practically anything, a skill that served me well when I progressed to university and student promotion nights, however, that’s a whole different story… I loved the secrecy of my school smoking habit. I loved the mystery of: “Where’s she gone? Ooh I bet she’s gone out for a cigarette…” By the time my peers had discovered that smoking is actually rubbish, I was well and truly hooked.
I have absolutely no willpower. I am under no illusions that it will be easy, but since I started blogging, I am, dare I say it? – finding myself again, and I hate the power nicotine has over me, the control issues, like being frantic in the morning when I wake and know it’s still two hours until the shop opens, kicking myself because I didn’t buy another twenty the night before. I resent other people trying to impose their will on me, so why should I be dictated to by a paper tube filled with noxious shredded leaves that you wouldn’t feed to a goat?
It’s a love-hate relationship. I am hating what smoking does to me, and yet… and yet… I love the actions involved with smoking, the satisfying first extra-specially deep breath to pull the smoke into my lungs, the savoury smoke settling across my tongue right to the last inhalation where the tar is so strong it burns your nasal passages.
(These crystals are supposed to help with discarding bad habits: Dumortierite, Apatite and Amethyst)
I’ve tried all the so-called ‘aids’ to stop smoking. The gum made me sick so I had to have a cigarette. The patches made me itch so I had to have a cigarette. The inhalators made me retch so I had to have a cigarette. The tablets gave me a funny heartbeat so I… yes, you see where I’m going with this.
So. Willpower. I’m stuffed.
All photos were taken by my son!