I have unwittingly taken part in a comedy routine that, if sent to one of these humorous clip shows, would have undoubtedly won a cash prize…
I came downstairs this morning at my usual time and saw what I thought was a ball of fluff on the front room floor… Not being at my sharpest until I’ve had the first cigarette and cup of tea of the day, I thought: “Oh dear, who came off worst in kitty wars then?” and bent down to pick it up. I mashed it gently between my fingers, thinking “Hmm, not quite cat fur texture, more leathery…” Whereupon it sprouted legs.
I feel a little sick thinking about it even now (and that’s after more tea and LOTS more cigarettes!) The spider, not appreciating its impromptu massage, scrabbled desperately at my fingers. I was doing one of those weird horror film screams where you think you’re making the loudest sound in the world when really it’s just a breathless squeak…
I dropped the spider. It scarpered off towards the cat flap.
“Rubbish service here… Not tipping you!”
I fell shocked and quivering to the sofa.
I don’t like the arachnid sense of humour. Granted, I don’t want to kill them any more, but really, they don’t have to take liberties. Once, I was getting a cereal bowl from the kitchen cupboard, and as I brought it down to eyelevel, I saw there was an extremely large spider sat in it. It saw me and gibbered. I gibbered back. I dropped the bowl and the spider ran away, I swear it was laughing…
I don’t like it when my cats and spiders collude in practical jokes. All my girls have a special meow when they’ve caught something, that means: “Come here! See what I’ve got! You’ll love it!” I’m never entirely sure what they’ll bring me, so I like to have mouse catching equipment to hand, kitchen towel for bird entrails etc.
This particular day, it was my older black cat, whose sense of humour can be a little warped…
“What have you got?”
“Here, I know you’ll love this, I selected it specially…”
A large spider leaped from her jaws like some kind of horrid circus act.
“Hahh! April Fool!”
As I ran away crying, I could hear them laughing…
“Same time next year then?”
“Sure, just give my agent a call.”
All photos were taken by my son!